Gray.

The color of this past year. The high and low moments, the light and dark have passed in a blur. Gray. When I think of what this year has taught me, of the places I have been, of the people I have met, I think of it all with a sigh of relief that the year is over, that this season is passing. There have moments of unbelievable beauty, standing on the side of a hill looking over the Spanish countryside, waking up to the orange sun over the Kansas cornfields. There have been moments of bittersweet sadness, leaving home for the first time, sitting on the floor of my room with a friend as we try to look up from our lowest points. There have been entire weeks and months of walking through life in a fog, not sure of who I am, even when I'm looking at myself in a mirror. But then there have been moments of clarity, moments when I was so sure of what I was to do, like it was written out before me. Graduation to new job to new home to new life. Oklahoma to Spain to Kansas. All of it has passed in a whirlwind. Friends who moved, friends I left behind, new friends who I must leave in a few days. My heart has planted itself in so many places this year. Home sits between two houses now, and I am torn to stay with them both. I think the year ahead will hold more simplicity, and hoping it will have more color. Good days, bad days, holidays, hellos, and goodbyes. Each high has had its low, each spot of light, its dark. In the haste of moving from location to location, set to set, state to state, the only color I see is gray. And I think it has been worth it all.

My Life in Soundtrack: November

I often think of my life in terms of a soundtrack, there would be a perfect song for every situation. For night drives, for sunny days, for angry moments. Right now that song, appropriately enough, is called "November." Some of the lyrics read: So I'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin...But we cant go back we're on our own. But I'm about to give this one more shot. And find it in myself. I'll find it in myself.
 
The whole month of October has come and gone, November is marching steadily toward December. I watch the days speed by in rapid succession. Days and weeks pass between phone calls home and visits from friends and writing and doing anything other than think about film. It's all-consuming. The tiny part of my life left unscathed by this zealous workload has as of late been tumultuous at best. Suddenly thrust into real adult situations I find myself trying to figure out important life questions about who I am at the heart of it all. Times like this are best handled with self-assuredness, with a solid grasp on who you are. Not so for me. I feel like my Grandpa is giving me a swimming lesson, he's thrown me in the deep end and is trying to teach me to swim while I am just trying to keep me from drowning. There was a period of uncertainty a few weeks ago, the crew was all under the stress of possible layoffs from our jobs. As terrible as it sounds, I was hoping that I might get to be one of the people laid off. Then I could go home, be with my family, start over, and get a clean slate. Almost as soon as the wish crossed my lips, I knew in my heart that these lessons which were making life so difficult, were not the kind easily learned. There would be no clean slate. I would have to swim my way to the surface, because drowning was not an option. There's a verse in the Bible that talks about a man who looks at himself in the mirror then walks away and forgets the look of his own face. I never understood that passage until now. For weeks I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and literally not recognize the person I was. I found myself asking the person staring back, "Is this who you want to be?" The answer was a slight but stern shake of the head, no. And so came the hard decisions. And the hard questions. What kind of person do I want to be? Why do I make these choices? And the answers haven't all come easily. Some haven't come at all. There have been hard conversations with friends, some of which have tainted the relationship, perhaps permanently. There have been sleepless nights and days spent in a melancholy fog. There have been incredible moments of grace too. There have been the strong and loving arms of friends who have helped to pick me up in my moments of brokenness. November has been a test for me. A test of character, of will, of humility. I'm waiting for this season to end and a lighter one to begin. But I know that through it all, I will find something in myself, something that makes me more of the person I hope to be.

Living in Limbo

For years I understood Limbo only as that obnoxious party game in which you must unnaturally bend your spine completely in half to walk under a stick that works its way closer and closer to the ground as a group of people chant your name, hoping that your spine will snap and you will drop to the floor whereby losing the game. Not ever really my idea of fun. Then I learned of the metaphysical Limbo, the place which is not here neither is it there. And it is in the place that I live now. Working on an independent film, I feel like I'm in Limbo a lot. I'm in between assignments or in the middle of a task, but not really sure what's going on. One of my coworkers made the comment one day that I looked lost, and to be honest he's right. I really think that any time you start a job in a totally new field, being a little directionally challenged is to be expected. I am starting to get a handle on some things though. For example, I am in charge of maintaining shot lists. These diagram and list in detail the lighting, blocking, and camera angles for a given scene. But I also find myself location scouting, collecting props, making breakfast, turning off buses, among other random things during the course of a day. It's a constant state of "do this, no do that." Not to mention that I've been struck the last few days by the reality of this being a Terminal job, quite literally. This will be over in about three months, so although I would like to think that Kansas City is becoming like home, I may be packing my bags once again and moving onto the next great adventure in a new place. I am also in Limbo in terms of what I want to do with my life. I was hoping that this job would be a clear, resounding bell indicating that this is the direction my life is supposed to go. Ironically, the connections I have been making lately appear to be steering me back towards the world of advertising and public relations. So I'm back to being neither here nor there. Not quite sure of anything. Stuck in a place that at once feels homey and permanent yet at the same time feels temporary and fleeting. It's a strange place, but I may as well roll out my mat, make the bed, and settle in, for I feel that I may be here a while yet.

Focus on the Good

So after posting yesterday, I realized that I may have been a bit whiny. Which in a blog about the life of a twenty-something, really shouldn't surprise you. In fact a lot of what I've been writing about seems to be a bit on the "poor me, I am a grown-up, I have responsibilities, life isn't fair" side of things. I think it's easy to become jaded by the overwhelming amount of responsibilities that seem to smack you in the face as soon as the diploma hits your hand. Yes, making new friends isn't always fun. Yes, dealing with insurance companies is like dealing with the devil himself. There are a lot of elements to being an adult that aren't pleasant, but they are a part of life. There are a lot of good things about growing up too. As of today, most students have started back at school. It is such a relief to know that I won't have another piece of homework due or have to conduct another Hall Meeting or take another final. Also, there's having a real job. And this part of my life is absolutely amazing. I think it is a rare thing to have a job you genuinely look forward to everyday. I find this sad and somewhat frightening that more people don't feel this way about their jobs. This weekend was our first weekend to begin shooting scenes for Terminal. We went to about 10 different locations all across Kansas City. It was hectic, hot, and so much fun! Here are 3 things I learned about filmmaking this weekend:

1. Always over estimate. Friday morning, I quickly realized that when the director tells me "This will only take half an hour," what he really means is this will probably take at least an hour and a half. Time never really seems to be on your side when making a movie but you have to make the best of it , build in extra time where possible, and do your best to keep everyone on schedule.
2. Only hire people you trust. What I saw this weekend was that every single person on our crew knows their job and does it incredibly well. Whether it's make-up, wardrobe, sound, focus pull, or working the camera, everyone was excellent at what they did. It's funny because even in the midst of this film, I keep thinking about scripts that I want to write and other projects I would like to work on. I know that without a doubt I would feel comfortable putting my work into the capable hands of our crew. If you can't trust the people you're working with, then you've got the wrong people.
3. Attitude is everything. Sometimes things happen, like rain, tornadoes, leaking coolers and running late. All you can do is go with it and try to have fun along the way. Even after a LONG day (12 hours at least) of work, several of us went out for drinks and dinner and had a genuinely good time. At the end of the day, no matter how hard it's been, it's good to be able to laugh and think, yeah this wasn't so bad.

So yes, I may complain because it's easy to point out the things in life that suck. Although I still wish I was close enough for game nights at the Hannons, movies with Nicole, and Cheesecake Factory with Danielle, honestly my life is pretty great right now. And every once in a while I just need to put on my big girl panties, suck it up, and remember to not let a moment go by without being thankful for the journey.

Empty.

No man is an island. I am discovering that Mr. Donne was dead on in his sentiments of the connectedness among people. We just finished our first weekend of filming. For at least 10 hours a day I have been surrounded by at least 12 other people. So to say I have been alone would be inaccurate. But I feel alone. I feel like an island. These people, each of them wonderful, are people I am looking forward to spending the next four months of my life with. But these people don't know me. They don't know how to read the subtleties in my voice and feigned composure in my face that mask true emotions. They don't know my sense of humor or how I am encouraged. They don't know my fears or my dreams. I feel like I am someone other than the person they perceive to be riding to work with and eating lunch with. They don't know me. I'm not alone, I am not an island. But I feel alone. My friends are everywhere else that isn't here. I am sure that over the next four months these new people will come to know me  and I them, but in the meantime all I want is to be in the safety of those who already do know me. There are times when I even forget that God is not still in Tulsa, waiting to hang out when I get back. To feel spiritually and emotionally alone when surrounded by others is to feel empty. I am longing for real connection, not congenial acquaintances. For depth and sincere interactions. To feel challenged by someone who wants to see me become a better person. It probably doesn't help any that the last two weeks have been filled with dreams of being in relationships, most notably one where I was dating Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs. He lived on a mountain and I had to take a truck up a dirt path and then a dog sled through the snowy peaks to see him, but things were going very well for us. From my subconscious into my painfully aware consciousness, the need for human connection is becoming an ever pressing matter. I have to hope that eventually I will sail away from this island of  introversion, self pity, and self containment.

Expectation v. Reality

There are those days when you just want to scream. Or get in your car and go for a really long drive. Today was one of those days. There wasn't anything in particular that made it one of those days. I think it's a surplus of emotional reactions to lots of things converging at once in my chest, rising with that anxious feeling that says things aren't right, this isn't how it's supposed to be. But how is it supposed to be? My job is great. Really great. My family here in Kansas City is awesome. So why do I feel off? Why does it feel like I'm knowingly going in an opposite direction than the lovely British voice on my GPS is telling me to? I think it's because I live two different lives. There's the life I actually am living. The eating, breathing, showering, go to work everyday life. But there's also my Other life. In this life everything goes according to plan. Everything falls just into place. I never have trouble finding the right outfit. Someone is in love with me. Work is a breeze and everyday is fulfilling and satisfying and utterly wonderful. Obviously this life doesn't really exist. I heard a pastor once refer to it as our "future self," the self you imagine yourself one day being, where you never make mistakes and are an overflowing source of wisdom, where you look, act, and feel like the perfect human being. I feel like I've split my life into these two people - me and Other me. When the real me doesn't match up to the Other me, when work in real life is tougher than work in my Other life, a sort of dissonance rolls in clouding my ability to fully enjoy this life. It's funny because all of your life you are told to dream, to plan, to imagine becoming someone. It's part of the whole motivation to not settle and to go to college scheme adults have been working forever. I get it. And while I think it is great to push yourself to be someone better, for me it's created this Other version of myself that I am always trying to be. Not in a clinical, schizophrenic sort of way. More of a want to lay in bed and dream my life away, sort of way. Maybe it's just fear that my dreams (because they're awfully big) won't actually come to pass. That I'll look up and be fifty years old and think What have I done with my life? and not have a good answer. I haven't figured out whether this is part of that twenty-something naivety that eventually settles into middle-aged acceptance of reality, or do adults always feel this dualism of what is versus what could be? One of my favorite films from last year was (500) Days of Summer. Like it or hate it, there is a scene which perfectly demonstrates this feeling I have. Maybe you have it too. Maybe it will pass. Or maybe the two lives will converge and one day I'll be living my dream. But what if I don't? So many questions.

Expectations vs. Reality (500) Days Of Summer Movie Scene from catiski on Vimeo.

Prairie Revelations

I realize I haven't been a very good blogger. My posts have been, well, lacking to say the least. I promised myself I would do a better job. It just seems like right now, the work I am doing, what's going on in my life, just isn't very exciting. Still love my job but it's a lot of the same from day to day - phone calls, emails, more phone calls. The pace will be changing soon and I hope to be more diligent with my updates. For the time being I thought it would be interesting to post some journal entries from earlier this summer. Beginning in May, just after graduation, and up through my trip to Spain. During this time I began to contemplate a lot in regards to what it really means to grow up and what kind of grown-up I want to be. I hope you enjoy the departure, I'll be back to blogging about my current movie making adventures soon enough.

May 13, 2010
How quickly the change from child to grown-up happens. Two weeks ago all I worried about were finals, using what was left of my Sodexo Bucks and watching Lost. Although Lost remains a priority, I am now confronted with grown-up issues. In the last 48 hours I have driven to Kansas City and back, interviewed and accepted a job, made living arrangements, and am currently on my way to the airport to Spain. The rapid succession of life changes has sort of left my head spinning. I think the strangest element is the aloneness. Maybe it was the solitude of the drive up Highway 169, with only a few semis and farmers to keep me company. Somewhere on the prairie I realized that for the first time I will be on my own. In a new state and a new job. The quiet hum of the car a silent "Amen."

Wyandotte

This is my favorite street in Kansas City. Wyandotte. It is my favorite because I am convinced none of the other streets want me to learn their names. For example, Broadway becomes Penn Valley Parkway becomes West Pennway then back to Broadway. But Wyandotte is my oasis. It stays the same all the way through the mess of downtown. I still haven't learned what streets cross Wyandotte where or if it's really even the street I need to get to my destination, but every time I see those white letters against the green, it makes me happy. I think it's because it's one of the few streets I recognize, one of the few I am becoming familiar with. For most of my life I have thought of nothing but moving away from my home town. Of getting out and exploring the world. Of living in downtown lofts or nestled against a mountain. I do love to travel. Like any good college graduate, my first order of business was to hop on a plane and fly to Europe. Given the opportunity I would go back in a heartbeat. Oh to explore the streets of a new city, there's nothing more electric. But, there's something to be said about the familiar. About knowing the names of the streets, the shortcuts from one neighborhood to another, the closest coffee house, and the worst traffic spots. It's the love of the familiar that lands me in Target at least three times a week. No matter where in the U.S. I go, Target is my beacon of home. I know that the Target in Tulsa or Kansas City or L.A. or Minneapolis will have that same feeling, like at any moment I could turn around and see Mom picking up some shirt she thinks I would love but I would never even try on, even though she's a state away. Familiar. Family. We love the things that are close to us, that we know without even thinking. All this to say that on this adventure in a new place, I love it. Really I do. But it's so nice to know that when I'm away from home, away from the friends and family and places I know without even thinking, that there's a Wyandotte.

Responsibilities

It's amazing working some place where everyday I have to pinch myself that I really get to do this...really! I found out yesterday that my official job title is "production manager." Although this will go through many transformations over the next 6 months, my current job responsibilities have centered around reading through the script and dissecting each scene to determine what props are needed to make that scene happen. Boy am I thankful I took that scriptwriting class last semester! It may not seem like an intense job, but 284 scenes later I am beginning to realize that every detail matters. Which is good since a majority of my responsibility on this film, will be in the details. So if you're wondering, all those picky professors who make you redo assignments until they were right (ahem, Cristi Freudenrich and Chris Putman), they really are trying to help you understand how important it is to have the details in order; they may not be the most important elements but without them the whole project is off. In addition to learning my job responsibilities, I am also quickly learning about the basic life responsibilities of adulthood. Today I began the process of applying for health insurance and figuring out car insurance. These are the parts of being an adult that no one thinks about when they're 16 and all they want is to drink and be rid of curfew. How fast our priorities have to change.

Grown-up: Day 1

"Welcome to the real world she said to me condescendingly, take your seat..."

As of today I am seated, strapped in and ready to go. This was my first day at my new job, in a new city, in a new state. There's been a lot of change in my life as of late. As I pulled out of the hotel parking lot weeping yesterday, I felt less like a grown-up and more like a girl who is going to miss her family a lot. And although that is true, I am so excited about this next stage in life. I am going to spend the next 6 months working on the set of an independent film that's being shot here in Kansas City. It's a dream job! The kind of job that could be one of those fork-in-the-road, never-looking-back opportunities in life. At least that's what I'm hoping. This blog is how I hope to keep track of the adventures and misadventures in my newly adult life. Here's to hoping for a good start and a great ending, cheers!