No man is an island. I am discovering that Mr. Donne was dead on in his sentiments of the connectedness among people. We just finished our first weekend of filming. For at least 10 hours a day I have been surrounded by at least 12 other people. So to say I have been alone would be inaccurate. But I feel alone. I feel like an island. These people, each of them wonderful, are people I am looking forward to spending the next four months of my life with. But these people don't know me. They don't know how to read the subtleties in my voice and feigned composure in my face that mask true emotions. They don't know my sense of humor or how I am encouraged. They don't know my fears or my dreams. I feel like I am someone other than the person they perceive to be riding to work with and eating lunch with. They don't know me. I'm not alone, I am not an island. But I feel alone. My friends are everywhere else that isn't here. I am sure that over the next four months these new people will come to know me and I them, but in the meantime all I want is to be in the safety of those who already do know me. There are times when I even forget that God is not still in Tulsa, waiting to hang out when I get back. To feel spiritually and emotionally alone when surrounded by others is to feel empty. I am longing for real connection, not congenial acquaintances. For depth and sincere interactions. To feel challenged by someone who wants to see me become a better person. It probably doesn't help any that the last two weeks have been filled with dreams of being in relationships, most notably one where I was dating Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs. He lived on a mountain and I had to take a truck up a dirt path and then a dog sled through the snowy peaks to see him, but things were going very well for us. From my subconscious into my painfully aware consciousness, the need for human connection is becoming an ever pressing matter. I have to hope that eventually I will sail away from this island of introversion, self pity, and self containment.
I know how you feel, when you say, all these people do not know you. I always felt you were very outgoing, and it would never cross my mind, that you would ever feel that way. I feel that way everytime I meet someone new. It takes me a long time to open up and become the real me. You probably really dont know me like that. I guess insecurities, I'm afraid, the real me, would be too overwhelming for someone that did not understand me. But for the many friends I have that have been in my life, some for 25-30 years. There is nothing like being yourself, laughter, craziness and all, and sometimes, someone new, can bring your craziness out, like you have know them forever. Life is grand, isnt it? I enjoy stopping by and visiting your blog when I get the chance. I think you will have no problem in this "adult" world. Your parents have done a great job! Lanna :-)
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