Focus on the Good

So after posting yesterday, I realized that I may have been a bit whiny. Which in a blog about the life of a twenty-something, really shouldn't surprise you. In fact a lot of what I've been writing about seems to be a bit on the "poor me, I am a grown-up, I have responsibilities, life isn't fair" side of things. I think it's easy to become jaded by the overwhelming amount of responsibilities that seem to smack you in the face as soon as the diploma hits your hand. Yes, making new friends isn't always fun. Yes, dealing with insurance companies is like dealing with the devil himself. There are a lot of elements to being an adult that aren't pleasant, but they are a part of life. There are a lot of good things about growing up too. As of today, most students have started back at school. It is such a relief to know that I won't have another piece of homework due or have to conduct another Hall Meeting or take another final. Also, there's having a real job. And this part of my life is absolutely amazing. I think it is a rare thing to have a job you genuinely look forward to everyday. I find this sad and somewhat frightening that more people don't feel this way about their jobs. This weekend was our first weekend to begin shooting scenes for Terminal. We went to about 10 different locations all across Kansas City. It was hectic, hot, and so much fun! Here are 3 things I learned about filmmaking this weekend:

1. Always over estimate. Friday morning, I quickly realized that when the director tells me "This will only take half an hour," what he really means is this will probably take at least an hour and a half. Time never really seems to be on your side when making a movie but you have to make the best of it , build in extra time where possible, and do your best to keep everyone on schedule.
2. Only hire people you trust. What I saw this weekend was that every single person on our crew knows their job and does it incredibly well. Whether it's make-up, wardrobe, sound, focus pull, or working the camera, everyone was excellent at what they did. It's funny because even in the midst of this film, I keep thinking about scripts that I want to write and other projects I would like to work on. I know that without a doubt I would feel comfortable putting my work into the capable hands of our crew. If you can't trust the people you're working with, then you've got the wrong people.
3. Attitude is everything. Sometimes things happen, like rain, tornadoes, leaking coolers and running late. All you can do is go with it and try to have fun along the way. Even after a LONG day (12 hours at least) of work, several of us went out for drinks and dinner and had a genuinely good time. At the end of the day, no matter how hard it's been, it's good to be able to laugh and think, yeah this wasn't so bad.

So yes, I may complain because it's easy to point out the things in life that suck. Although I still wish I was close enough for game nights at the Hannons, movies with Nicole, and Cheesecake Factory with Danielle, honestly my life is pretty great right now. And every once in a while I just need to put on my big girl panties, suck it up, and remember to not let a moment go by without being thankful for the journey.

Empty.

No man is an island. I am discovering that Mr. Donne was dead on in his sentiments of the connectedness among people. We just finished our first weekend of filming. For at least 10 hours a day I have been surrounded by at least 12 other people. So to say I have been alone would be inaccurate. But I feel alone. I feel like an island. These people, each of them wonderful, are people I am looking forward to spending the next four months of my life with. But these people don't know me. They don't know how to read the subtleties in my voice and feigned composure in my face that mask true emotions. They don't know my sense of humor or how I am encouraged. They don't know my fears or my dreams. I feel like I am someone other than the person they perceive to be riding to work with and eating lunch with. They don't know me. I'm not alone, I am not an island. But I feel alone. My friends are everywhere else that isn't here. I am sure that over the next four months these new people will come to know me  and I them, but in the meantime all I want is to be in the safety of those who already do know me. There are times when I even forget that God is not still in Tulsa, waiting to hang out when I get back. To feel spiritually and emotionally alone when surrounded by others is to feel empty. I am longing for real connection, not congenial acquaintances. For depth and sincere interactions. To feel challenged by someone who wants to see me become a better person. It probably doesn't help any that the last two weeks have been filled with dreams of being in relationships, most notably one where I was dating Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs. He lived on a mountain and I had to take a truck up a dirt path and then a dog sled through the snowy peaks to see him, but things were going very well for us. From my subconscious into my painfully aware consciousness, the need for human connection is becoming an ever pressing matter. I have to hope that eventually I will sail away from this island of  introversion, self pity, and self containment.

Expectation v. Reality

There are those days when you just want to scream. Or get in your car and go for a really long drive. Today was one of those days. There wasn't anything in particular that made it one of those days. I think it's a surplus of emotional reactions to lots of things converging at once in my chest, rising with that anxious feeling that says things aren't right, this isn't how it's supposed to be. But how is it supposed to be? My job is great. Really great. My family here in Kansas City is awesome. So why do I feel off? Why does it feel like I'm knowingly going in an opposite direction than the lovely British voice on my GPS is telling me to? I think it's because I live two different lives. There's the life I actually am living. The eating, breathing, showering, go to work everyday life. But there's also my Other life. In this life everything goes according to plan. Everything falls just into place. I never have trouble finding the right outfit. Someone is in love with me. Work is a breeze and everyday is fulfilling and satisfying and utterly wonderful. Obviously this life doesn't really exist. I heard a pastor once refer to it as our "future self," the self you imagine yourself one day being, where you never make mistakes and are an overflowing source of wisdom, where you look, act, and feel like the perfect human being. I feel like I've split my life into these two people - me and Other me. When the real me doesn't match up to the Other me, when work in real life is tougher than work in my Other life, a sort of dissonance rolls in clouding my ability to fully enjoy this life. It's funny because all of your life you are told to dream, to plan, to imagine becoming someone. It's part of the whole motivation to not settle and to go to college scheme adults have been working forever. I get it. And while I think it is great to push yourself to be someone better, for me it's created this Other version of myself that I am always trying to be. Not in a clinical, schizophrenic sort of way. More of a want to lay in bed and dream my life away, sort of way. Maybe it's just fear that my dreams (because they're awfully big) won't actually come to pass. That I'll look up and be fifty years old and think What have I done with my life? and not have a good answer. I haven't figured out whether this is part of that twenty-something naivety that eventually settles into middle-aged acceptance of reality, or do adults always feel this dualism of what is versus what could be? One of my favorite films from last year was (500) Days of Summer. Like it or hate it, there is a scene which perfectly demonstrates this feeling I have. Maybe you have it too. Maybe it will pass. Or maybe the two lives will converge and one day I'll be living my dream. But what if I don't? So many questions.

Expectations vs. Reality (500) Days Of Summer Movie Scene from catiski on Vimeo.