My Life in Soundtrack: November

I often think of my life in terms of a soundtrack, there would be a perfect song for every situation. For night drives, for sunny days, for angry moments. Right now that song, appropriately enough, is called "November." Some of the lyrics read: So I'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin...But we cant go back we're on our own. But I'm about to give this one more shot. And find it in myself. I'll find it in myself.
 
The whole month of October has come and gone, November is marching steadily toward December. I watch the days speed by in rapid succession. Days and weeks pass between phone calls home and visits from friends and writing and doing anything other than think about film. It's all-consuming. The tiny part of my life left unscathed by this zealous workload has as of late been tumultuous at best. Suddenly thrust into real adult situations I find myself trying to figure out important life questions about who I am at the heart of it all. Times like this are best handled with self-assuredness, with a solid grasp on who you are. Not so for me. I feel like my Grandpa is giving me a swimming lesson, he's thrown me in the deep end and is trying to teach me to swim while I am just trying to keep me from drowning. There was a period of uncertainty a few weeks ago, the crew was all under the stress of possible layoffs from our jobs. As terrible as it sounds, I was hoping that I might get to be one of the people laid off. Then I could go home, be with my family, start over, and get a clean slate. Almost as soon as the wish crossed my lips, I knew in my heart that these lessons which were making life so difficult, were not the kind easily learned. There would be no clean slate. I would have to swim my way to the surface, because drowning was not an option. There's a verse in the Bible that talks about a man who looks at himself in the mirror then walks away and forgets the look of his own face. I never understood that passage until now. For weeks I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and literally not recognize the person I was. I found myself asking the person staring back, "Is this who you want to be?" The answer was a slight but stern shake of the head, no. And so came the hard decisions. And the hard questions. What kind of person do I want to be? Why do I make these choices? And the answers haven't all come easily. Some haven't come at all. There have been hard conversations with friends, some of which have tainted the relationship, perhaps permanently. There have been sleepless nights and days spent in a melancholy fog. There have been incredible moments of grace too. There have been the strong and loving arms of friends who have helped to pick me up in my moments of brokenness. November has been a test for me. A test of character, of will, of humility. I'm waiting for this season to end and a lighter one to begin. But I know that through it all, I will find something in myself, something that makes me more of the person I hope to be.